Doesn’t Get Any Better than Rodney Dangerfield & Johnny Carson (1981)

Doesn’t Get Any Better than Rodney Dangerfield & Johnny Carson (1981)


(applause) – What a crowd, what a
crowd, I’ll tell ya that boy. Now, I’ll tell ya, I’m
alright now, but last week, I was in rough shape, ya’know? (laughter) Yeah, last week I bought a used car, I found my wife’s dress in the back seat. (laughter) I mean, my wife is always something. Our anniversary, I took her
to dinner, I made a toast, to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me. (laughter and applause) Tell ya, at restaurants, I’m never lucky. I met my wife in a restaurant. She told the waiter she
wanted something simple, he brought me over. (laughter) I tell ya, with my wife I can’t relax. She can’t cook, the
worst cook in the world. In my house, you pray after we eat. (laughter) What a lousy cook. I don’t think meatloaf
should glow in the dark. (laughter and applause) Naw, I mean it. She can’t cook at all. My backyard, the flies chipped
in to fix the screen door. (laughter and applause) For cryin’ out loud. It’s not easy, not easy. With my wife, I got no sex life either. (audience aww) At my house, you put the
mirror over the dog’s bed. (laughter and applause) (whislte) My wife. The other night she told me she wants to try something wild. She tied me to the bed. Then she put her clothes on and went out. (roar of laughter) For crying out loud. I mean it, that’s the story of my life. No respect, I don’t get no respect at all. (applause, whistling) It’s not easy, I don’t
get no respect at all. Are you kidding. I got hit by a car. I told
the guy, “Are you blind?” He said, “I hit ya, didn’t I?” (laughter) (applause) I mean it, it was the same
thing when I was a kid. No respect. My old man
told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. (laughter) When I was a kid, I had
nothing. I was poor. I never had an X-ray. The doctor held me up to the light. (laughter) When I was a kid, I was ugly too. For Halloween, I had to
Trick-or-Treat over the phone. (laughter) Man, I was ugly. For Halloween,
we never had a pumpkin, they made me stand in the window. (laughter) What a childhood I had. My
mother never breastfed me. She always had a headache. (laughter) Yeah, my old man, he didn’t
like my looks either. He carried around a picture of the kid that came with the wallet. (laughter) My old man. My old man he made me sleep in the kitchen naked
to get rid of the roaches. (laughter) I was ugly. When I was a kid,
I never got any girls either. One girl told, “Come on
over, there’s nobody home.” I went over, there was nobody home. (jazz band outro music) (laughter and applause) – You’re beautiful
people, I’ll tell ya that. Nice crowd here, what a crowd.
Beautiful, I’ll tell ya. Oh, I’ll tell ya Johnny- Oh, I’ll tell ya Johnny, I haven’t been so popular
since I owed money. I’m proud alright. – You came through the
curtain tonight like You just kind of- like you were in the
wrong place for a minute. – No, I just had to find where to stand, everything else looked confused perhaps. – I haven’t seen you since
the new year, how are you?” Fine, fine, keeping busy,
keeping busy. Working around, I opened Thursday, February
5 for two days, for two weeks in Las Vegas at the Aladdin Hotel, I’ll be there for a couple of weeks. It’s a nice hotel, they’ve
got a great buffet over there. (laughter) And I’m an old buffet buff, you know that. I like to kick it at the
buffet, I like to watch the guy who cuts the roast beef. I don’t
know how he does it y’know? Out of a pound of roast
beef, he gets 4,000 slices. (laughter) (sigh) I’m keeping buys, Johnny. I’m
happy about certain things. I’ve got a boy in college now. – Do you really? – Now I get decent drugs. Oh yeah. (laughter and applause) Oh, kids are wild today,
Johnny, all they want is sex. Sex, that’s all they want. (whistles and catcalls) My daughter flunked her driver’s test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. (laughter) – Kids are wild now. – Kids they play around so
young today, very young, they’ve got birth control pills
shaped like Fred Flinstone. – They start so early. – Very early. When I was a
kid, I never had any sex. I’m not sexy, I know I’m
not sexy, you kidding? This morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit of
the Loom guys giggling. (laughter) I’m not sexy at all. I
went to the sperm bank to use my sperm to get a woman pregnant. I had to get her drunk first. (laughter) I’ll tell ya. – [Carson] Even at the sperm bank? That’s right, I’ll tell ya,
it’s rough. It’s not easy. All I get is fat girls. You kidding? Took out one girl, woo was she fat. (audience shouting) She was fat, how fat? Her
bathtub has stretchmarks. (laughter) I mean a fat chick, you kidding? When she was standing alone,
a cop told her to break it up. (applause and laughter) – That’s a big girl. – I’m talking about a fat girl here. Her belly-button has an echo. – [Carson] I didn’t know that. (laughter) – Woo was she ugly. – [Audience] How ugly? – How ugly? I took her to a dog show, she won, okay? (laughter) An ugly chick, you kidding? I mean, they use her at
prisons to cure sex offenders. (laughter) And that’s how ugly she was. (laughter) Oh, if I had the right
trio I could make it. – Yeah. (laughter) – The boys in the band, alright? Did you smoke that
thing I gave you before? (laughter) I don’t know, it’s rough.
Let’s talk about health. – [Carson] How is your health? – I’m not a kid, Johnny, I’m
getting older. You kidding? I took a vacation, went to
Mexico. I got the Walks. (laughter) Getting old. Old, Johnny. I told my wife, I want to die
in bed. She said, “Again?” (laughter) I got no sex life, the
only sex I have is when my doctor tells me to cough. (laughter) And I got a strange doctor, you know that. – Same doctor you’ve always had? – You know my doctor,
Doctor Vinnie Boombatz. (applause and laughter) Very strange doctor, you kidding? I told him, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin. (laughter) But he’s a friend.You’ve
gotta have friends. – [Carson] You betcha. – You know, you’ve got
very nice friends, Johnny- – [Carson] Important to have friends. – I met some of your friends in Las Vegas, Stan Irwin, nice guy.
I met your lawyer too, Bombastic Bushkin, he’s
a nice guy, smart guy. I got a good lawyer too, you know. – [Carson] Yeah – Oh, very good lawyer.
Actually I met him through Doctor Boombatz, his
nephew, Nicky Pumpaniece. (laughter) Very good lawyer – [Carson] Sharp man? – He did, Johnny, he had a rape charge
reduced to tailgating. (laughter) – Clever, clever. – Well, what d’you want to do now? (laughter) – That wraps it up, huh? – It’s not easy. I wish I was
home in slippers, relaxing, creating hatred in the family. (laughter) Y’know, you pick a topic. (laughter) – You’re a funny man. – [Dangerfield- Thank you very Much. (applause)

100 Replies to “Doesn’t Get Any Better than Rodney Dangerfield & Johnny Carson (1981)”

  1. Priceless comedic art …they pay pro athletes 40 mil a year …comics should get paid more …the good ones 😃💰💵💸

  2. Love how the audience was chiming in:
    'How fat was she?'
    ' How, fat? Her bathtub had stretch marks, OK?'

  3. Rodney was the best. He had perfect comedy timing. Watching these videos makes me laugh to the point where I can't catch my breath!

  4. Those were the days my friends we thought they’d never end, at last, they did and we’re alone now with old memories.

  5. Rodney was definitely one of the greats, he had more material and could rifle them out so fast he'd make a Tommy gun jealous. SAD he should have got a break WAY earlier.

  6. Thank you for living to a natural death Rodney. You where awesome. Blossomed so late. Something to be learned here.

  7. Nobody made me laugh out loud like RD. I remember watching this show when it was new and fell off the chair holding my ribs.

  8. "He had a rape charge reduced to tailgating" LOL, Today if this joke was done the MeToo crowd would demand he be taken off the air, how sad our nation has come to a bunch of prima donnas that can't handle a harmless joke!

  9. And that, folks, is what's called A MASTER AT WORK.
    This may be the episode of The Tonight Show I saw in the early-1980s which I remember being absolutely hysterical at 12:00 midnight while watching Rodney work. That man will always remain a national treasure, IMHO. God Rest His Soul.

  10. Hello! Every time I come home my wife and dog come out of our bedroom where my dog always have a smile on his face. No wonder why my wife say she tire out for sex every nite. My son say your not my real father. I tell him your mother is not your real mother. And now the cane around my neck please. Albert Joseph.

  11. He's NOT funny, he's BRILLIANT! It's 2019 and these jokes are still fresh and catch one by surprise.
    The explosive "HA" just bursts out unexpectedly.
    Such creative craftsmanship assembling these fine tuned gems. Truly amazing!!!
    Thank you very much for posting!!!
    I think he's very underrated, there may be comics as good, but no one can do along set of that magnitude of winners!

  12. A joke machine. His pacing was incredible and his jokes… one funnier than the last!

    My wife can't cook. Why in my house we pray AFTER we eat.

    Perfect.

    MY only regret is that Rodney never got real when he sat down… Just kept doing the act. I would've loved to know more about him. But he was so fidgety and looked so uncomfortable with himself that it was impossible to get real with him. Too bad… he was the greatest

  13. Johnny, and Rodney…CLASSIC. I miss when late night talk shows were fun like this! Now we've got the current crop of hacks who think that endlessly shitting on Trump is high comedy. Boring, humourless motherfuckers!

  14. Well the public comment for the day as I was speaking and I lost track of what I was talking about but let's see world today is good except for the world's day is good except for Donald Trump is president of United States which is bad for the world a good for United States not good Ikea not good for the United States is speech and type thing is a good idea fat that's but but I like you I said thank you that's the bad thing about it is when it doesn't understand what you said you can't step back and erase it you had a just keep you on so whoever is getting the type message make sure it is I said whoever is getting the typed message thinks you're an idiot the sad part is it may be right they may be right see see how do you know when you've said it enough that Google as got filled for my language when they stop making mistakes I don't understand why you don't type what I say. I didn't understand that I had to tell you when to stop a sentence with a. I? Or let's hope Mission Mart exclamation! You don't type you don't type hahaha you don't type ha ha ha? I believe it would take some time to get the speak typing down, however this autotyping isn't as good as Google's either. I'm done, now what?

  15. Rodney not only was among the best but he introduced the world to many great comics. He’s the type of comedian that no one could hate.

  16. Simply the best of all time, Johnny Carson and Rodney, I miss those guys. Everybody laughing, no thin skinned sensitive people, just good people having a good time. What a great time in life

  17. Rodney was the best. You can't get away with saying shit like that these days. The triggered liberals would lose their fucking collective minds.

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