Are You or Your Partner Micro-Cheating? – Lights Out with David Spade

Are You or Your Partner Micro-Cheating? – Lights Out with David Spade

Oh, wait.
Okay, so what’s going on in, uh, Instagram and stuff,
social media– -there’s a trend called
micro-cheating. -(gasps) Uh, it’s not physical cheating -but doing small, flirty actions
-Ha! like DM’ing–
Look at how happy she is. He’s like, “Wait a second.” -Who’s taking this picture?
-Uh, you DM your coworkers. You like pictures of strangers. Um, Hannah,
you have a girlfriend. How do you cheat
without getting caught? Ah. Well, I’m so glad
you asked, David. -SPADE: Give us your tricks.
-Yeah. Thank you. I mean, this whole microcheating
concept is kind of crazy to me, because what is social media for if not to have crushes
on other people, you know? That’s the whole thing,
I feel, yes, ’cause I… If I don’t like…
if I don’t like a picture, I feel like
I’m cheating Instagram. -Yeah, thank you.
-Because that’s the idea. -You’re supposed to pop a few.
-Well, I… David, you look like the mascot
for microcheating. -You’re a (bleep) asshole. No.
-(laughter, applause) HOLMES:
It’s like, have you considered -being unfaithful
in an untraceable way? -No. Oh. I thought you were just
saying ’cause he’s small. -No.
-Oh. -Also, I hate both of you.
-I liked it. -I liked it. -Oh, that makes more sense.
-You two tallies over there. I thought microcheating
was (bleep) a dwarf, or… or if… or if you just put the tip in,
but you don’t go the whole way. -You see, that doesn’t work.
-(applause) -SPADE: That’s not cheating.
-The tip is where the, uh… -SPADE: Oh, okay. -HART:
Did you guys have to look up -microcheating? I did. -HOLMES:
I didn’t know what it was. -My first wife left me.
She macrocheated. -HART: Oh. -(laughter, applause)
-That’s old school. That’s old school.
But in her defense, parts of my body
could be described as “micro.” Well, I look… -Like the fish? Shrimp? -Yeah.
-I looked it up. I looked it up, and it said that it was like
keeping Tinder on your phone or keeping dating apps
on your phone while you’re in a relationship. Then I was, like,
well, it just sounds like you’re not really
in a relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That one feels worse. -That one feels worse, right?
-Yeah. If someone in your life
that you’re dating is… has these apps on their phone,
they’re not dating you. -You know what I mean?
-SPADE: Yeah. -They’re just dating. Yeah.
-They are dating. I feel like another sign is if they’re having sex
with other people. -Right!
-(laughter) Look for these red flags. -Go ahead, Jim.
-I think this guy’s just upset -that he doesn’t have a pillow.
-Yeah. (laughter) I think
he’s sleeping on the bricks. Like, how (bleep) uncomfortable
is that? It’s like a brick wall
at the end of the bed. -No wonder he’s grumpy.
-Hannah said… Nobody heard it. You said,
“Who took this picture?” -That’s hilarious.
-That’s… -That is what I said.
-HOLMES: That’s her joke. That’s your laugh.
I just repeated it. -I liked it.
-Thank you. Look it. In holy shit news–
we’re switching– Jamie Lee Curtis said she and her dad, Tony Curtis,
freebased cocaine together. -As a parent…
-And went to the prom. (laughter) And she wore the red carpet. I think you feel safer if you’re doing freebasing
in the house with your kids. I think that’s the idea. You just want
to know where they are. The family that drugs together
hugs together, but, I… Pete, you had an Aleve once.
How did that go? -(laughter)
-No, my… No, no. A woman asked him
to leave once. Oh, yeah. My baby and I do shots
of Pedialyte together. -HART: Ooh. -SPADE: Okay.
-I can relate. I-I think that’s a lot
of toxicity in drugs, which is probably why
Jamie Lee Curtis needs all that, uh, yogurt
that gives you diarrhea. -That gives me…
-It’s because… In coke, they-they cut it
with baby laxatives… -SPADE: They do.
-HOLMES: There you go. -I’ve been told. -SPADE: Yeah.
-(laughter) Been told? You’re my dealer. Um, now, I one time, on a lark, uh, freebased in high school,
and it… -(laughter)
-I see the appeal. -Um…
-HART: What’s…? -It was… -HOLMES:
It’s, uh, smoking cocaine on a piece of foil with a… -your straw, right?
-SPADE: No. Propane. -But… -(laughter)
-And it doesn’t cost anything. I will say… That really feels
like doing drugs. -No, it’s really drugs.
-Oh, yeah. -You know what? I found out later,
it was like doing drugs. -JEFFERIES: All right.
-(laughter) It was true. But the… I was talked into it,
but there’s also weed -with coal on top– Cocoa Puffs.
-HOLMES: With what on top? -Uh…
-With cocaine on top? Cocaine. Yeah. You know, booger sugar,
sniffy jiffy. Stay close. -Um, but I did a little bit
of that. -Booger sugar? -And, uh…
-Did a little of that? -Yeah. -Yeah? -Oh, it feels
like a waste of weed, really. You know what? It turned out
to be a waste of both. -Yeah, it did.
-Yeah, coke. Yeah. It wasn’t as advertised,
I’ll say that. -It’s, like, make up your mind.
-Here’s the thing. Tony Curtis lived
to be 85 years old. What I’m learning from this is,
drugs– not that bad. (laughter, applause) It’s true.
And she looks great. Yeah. But look at him. He looks like if he touches your
bare skin, you see how you die. (laughter) -That is cool.
-Yeah, it’s a little… You know both of those hands
are hers around the waist there. (laughter)

43 Replies to “Are You or Your Partner Micro-Cheating? – Lights Out with David Spade”

  1. Hallelujah!!! David Spade and Jim Jefferies in the same picture! Bugs Bunny and Woody Woodpecker never got to pull it off but these two heroes did. There is a God!

  2. Jim Jefferies is just annoying. You've been here long enough. Its time to lose the annoying accent. For your next gimmick try humor.

  3. pete holmes: "you're like the mascot of microcheating"
    david spade: "you're a fuckin' asshole"
    jim jeffries: "oh, i thought you're just saying that because he's small"


  4. Hate to be that guy, but the moment I See someone looking like this hart chick I just become annoyed
    Im personally super over the gay thing
    I dont have anything against these people, im just sick of it being forced on people

  5. my favorite jim jeffries bit is the one where he gets up on stage and gets punched in the face while acting like a helpless cuck

  6. Not all lives are worth living. It's okay to be introspective. It's okay to not agree with a word even if it fits out of your mouth. They're just words. You can make it even without all of them.

    One Hundred Years of Words for EVERYBODY; no more, no less.

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